Gratitude

Waking up in my apt in Manhattan this morning has been no less than a full on surreal experience, only because I didn’t know if it was going to happen any time soon. For those who don’t know, during my trip to London, I ended up in the icu as I went into sepsis shock from an ecoli bacterial infection and was intubated as I was having breathing problems with multiple organs failing. Rumors were floating that I had passed and to some degree and or briefly I may have, but like my friends, family and doctors said I fought like a warrior along with all of your constant prayers, concern and love and pulled through. Above all Allah (swt) heard all of your prayers and brought me back with a brand new lease on life. 

From the core of my heart and soul, I would like to thank and hug each and everyone of you who prayed, held prayers, gave continuous sadqah for me and those who religiously came everyday to the hospital to give Ammu moral support. I was truly touched when I heard that many of  you wanted to fly into London to be my side and my mom’s. Jui, you are nothing less than an angel in my life for dropping everything and flying in to be by Ammu’s side. Thank you for Always being my rock!!

Seeing friends/ family members/ staff shedding tears as a reaction to seeing me alive was just as emotional. We tend to forget our self worth but now I know how truly loved I am by all of you. I had heard from people I hadn’t heard from in years, all with full concern and love. My inboxes are flooded with many of your messages-Please bear with me as I still navigate through them all, just know I love you too. 

Few takeaways from this nightmare:

1. As much as I cursed many of the nurses during my delirium phase-and that too with the worst of bangla gaalis - the medical and nursing care I received was above and beyond, especially by Ruiz who’s now enjoying his annual leave in Portugal. Not being an easy patient, he really took care of me like I was his daughter constantly trying to figure out ways to feed me even though I dodged food like the plague but was finally was able to keep yoghurt in my system.

2. Constantly remember to tell your friends and family how much you love them because you never know if you will ever be able to again

3. Listen to your body when it tells you that you need to stop and relax

4. Finally and most important of all Brits can’t cook - PERIOD! 

They say it takes a village to raise a child, I’m requesting my village to forever be my side as I’ll need you more now as I slowly recuperate and regain my confidence to tackle the world again. The doctors did say initial recovery would be 2-3months and 6-8 months for full recovery.

But most importantly: MOM I LOVE YOU THE MOST!!! Sorry to put you through this nightmare!

I seek the day I am no more

To be nothing
Not even a figment of your imagination,
As you cradle in the arms that belong to no one of mine.
For I was sent as your savior,
Instead I seek refuge in the arms of Thee. 
I weep on His shoulder 
Beseeching the love you desired before my existence,
Unsuccessfully have I performed such task to bring the happiness you crave.
So for you, I bow down and walk away as the loveless orphan,
Filled with gratitude of the time spent in momentary harmony.
-Dazzlingsitar 

Freedom

 Freedom

As you strengthen your back 

while you soften your front,

Let the heart run wild.

Only then will you find your freedom.

Freedom that will instill the courage

to face your hurdles,

And welcome the new 

in bounds of optimism.

Restless wandering may overtake you throughout this journey,

Making you feel you are nowhere.

However, in true freedom,

You will realize that you belong everywhere.  

• Dazzlingsitar

Writing has always brought me comfort. It has been a medium for me to send out my thoughts into the cosmic void in hopes that, one day, clarity will come back to me. So many things have happened since we last spoke. In the last few days, I published two of the many poems I wrote during the last 4.5+ years... (deep pause...) Wow! Has this hiatus really been that long? These two poems have been the closest to my heart. One person told me that even though these poems personifies hope, they both are laced with a thin line of sadness. I never thought of it that way at first but then when I truly contemplated the idea, I agreed with my critic.

Was I truly sad deep down inside even though I put on a smile every day for everyone to see? I guess I was. In the last 4+years, I have gained and lost a person whom I thought was my true love, but more importantly, I lost my father who was and will always be my heart and soul. We can always overcome losing a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/friend. But losing a parent is a new ballgame all together. The feeling of losing a parent replicates to when you take shelter under pouring rain, and at that very moment , the roof that is protecting you is being yanked off with nowhere to seek shelter. You experience true colors and faces of people you once upon thought were your well-wishers; but in reality were far from it. 

Not a day goes by that I don't think of my father and imagine what would he have done if he were in my shoes when i'm at a loss. Maybe that's why I still see him in my dreams giving me guidance. I sure hope it never changes; even if I can't hug him in the physical world, at least I can in the "paranormal" world?

Is that normal?

The Sun

Be selfless like the sun,
For it rises every day to give.
To give us the light and the path to shine,
To find our true self,
Our passions, love, happiness
and the ultimate power of divine.
Every day, without any fail,
Its rays burn off our sorrows and doubts
Feeding us hope, energy and perseverance,
To face each day with full of ebullience.

Sirf Mere Paas

One low key afternoon, as I was watching the Rabrindranath Tagore series on Netflix, the sudden urge to write blasted through my pen. Inspiration was finally flowing and this is what came out of it...

Sirf Mere Paas

Main nahi jaanti

Ke aap ho kahaan,

Meri aankhen,

Aap hi ko dhoondhti rehti hai

Sara jahaan

Par aap to kahi nahi hain,

Bas sirf mere paas

Aap ki surilli awaaz,

Goonjhti rehti hai meri kaano mein,

Gunguna rehti hai,

Par aap to kahi nahi hain,

Bas sirf mere paas

Mein saansein leti hoon,

Toh aapke khushboo,

Ek nasha ki tarha madhosh kar dehti hai

Par aap to kahi nahi hain,

Bas sirf mere paas

Baarish ki har boondh

Choo kar gili kar deti hai,

Woh humein mehsus karah thi hai,

Ke woh bhi aap hi ki tarha

Meri har thakleefo ko mita thi hai

Par aap to kahi nahi hain,

Bas sirf mere paas

Zindagi ne akheli chalna sikhayi hai,

Par aap ki hoothon ne,

Meri ruh ko ussey bhi mithaas banayi hai

Par aap to kahi nahi hain,

Bas sirf mere paas

Jaane Anjaane mein,

Ye sab aap kar behthe,

Shayad, main abhi bhi nahi jaanti

ke aap ho kahaan

Bas sirf ussi pal ki intezaar hai

ke kab

Aap aur kahin nahin honge,

Bas sirf mere paas….

Sunday 28th October 2012

As I sign into Facebook today, I realize that there is not a single status or news update out there that can fill the void that has embraced my and my family’s lives. As we all sit under this dark cloud, searching for that silver lining, I’m reminded of the saying ‘Ignorance is bliss’. Yes, I wish we had not known that my dear uncle would have to fight for his final days or months with final stage of pancreatic cancer that was diagnosed in early June of this year. I wish that my 82-year-old grandmother would not have to face the death of yet another child, for it being the third. I wish that my cousins, who are constantly by their father’s side, knowingly that it could be any moment that he would no longer be there, didn’t have to face the reality of this disease; the daily pains, the hospital runs, the no room for error moments and most importantly the constant stress of the unknown of what will happen next.

My mind and heart keeps on travelling back to the time when life was simple and beautiful. The times when my parents and I would visit from Abu Dhabi.  My aunts, uncles, and cousins leaving their own households and moving back into my Nana and Nanu's 13-bedroom Maghbazar home during our stay and yet all squeezing in that one bedroom in the back. Going to Old Town for that 3am murgh pulao run in our pjs, and as we waited,  we would all have a boiled egg and hot glass milk; the milk that we refused to drink at home. Waking up our baburchis (live-in chefs) at the same time for the special “dim omelettes and pau ruti’r toast”. And just when the food would arrive in that one room where all 30 of us would be, Nana quietly trickling in to see what we were all up to and joining in. The numerous games of carom, cricket in the backyard and the circular driveway, rollerblading in the verandas, and running to the rooftop when there would be a massive downpour of rain dancing away!

Where did all those moments go, when all of us kids were surrounded by my aunts and uncles screaming at the top of their lungs while playing the infamous rickshawalla card game called 29 because someone or the other was cheating? Or even as recent as when Nannu mama visited my parents in New York, and I had surprised them by coming home late at night from college in Boston with their favorite kabab paratha roll? Have we changed or have the people around us changed, which indirectly has morphed us into people we don’t recognize anymore? Honestly, where are we and what have we become?

As I blankly stare into the walls or everything for that matter, these are the things that I just can’t stop wondering about. Is this part of the growing process we are destined and more importantly eager for? When we were kids, we couldn’t wait to become older. And now, I honestly wish I was a kid again… At least, then we wouldn’t be sitting in this predicament that we at now. 

Bangkok 2012

The family reuniting after a long time! 

A serious illness always brings an entire family together no matter how many outbursts, quarrels etc...have happened. My uncle, who has recently been diagnosed with cancer, mentioned in my previous post, has brought the entire family together in Bangkok. And although the main purpose of the trip was to see him and spend some time with him, I couldn't help myself from abusing the amenities that were at the hotel I was staying at. Swimming for an hour and a half, moving on to the steam room and then finishing off with sauna was my daily early morning routine while the sun rose over Bangkok! Not a soul but birds chirping away were with me while I swam. Living in Dhaka really make you cherish serenity, peace and merely just being alone. This routine made me famished and off I was to relish fresh salads, croissants, coffee and all the spreads the hotel breakfast had to offer. 

Checking in to the Hotel at
Imperial Queens Park Hotel

Checking in to the Hotel at
Imperial Queens Park Hotel

Me at Lumphini Park,
right next to our hotel

Every  morning I was off to stroll around Lumphini Park, which is located right next to my hotel and where I met up some of the gang. Then we'd be off  to hit the numerous stores at where we met up with my uncle and family so that later on we could have lunch together and believe it or not, you can bargain every damn thing in Bangkok!

Mothers and daughters showing off at
Lumphini Park

Shopping at Terminal 21!!!

Must see shops in Bangkok are The Emporium, Terminal 21, Siam Paragon and none other than good ol' MBK! I couldn't resist some shoes, bags and clothes shopping! I'm a woman after all so sue me! Not for my shoes and bags though! 

The highlight of my trip was when I took a day trip to Ayuthaya City and the Bang Pa-In Palace. Gorgeous! Thais say that both good and bad spirits live everywhere. In my pics, look at the tree trunks in how they grow. Ain't it cool? 

Bang Pa-In Palace

Ayuthaya City 

Anyways I really don't have much to say because I feel my pictures say it all..Enjoy!

The Quintessential Me

Recently, whilst being inundated with too many to dos for my cousin's wedding, I received two of the worst news. I learnt that 1. My uncle, who is aged 59, has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in both liver and pancreas; and 2 that a special male friend of mine too has been diagnosed with brain cancer. Two dear people in very different stages of their lives, yet a similar death sentence. My uncle who has seen the world, children and even grandchildren and my friend, aged 31, who although has traveled somewhat of the world, is an only child like myself was beginning a soaring career where he would taste everything the universe has to offer. Ever since I heard the news, I have sort of been in denial of their illness because like everyone else, you think that your loved ones are invincible. But then it made me think. The only constant in this world is death, which not a single person, animal, or living organism has the capacity to escape. With that being said, I wondered as to how people would remember me if tomorrow I was no longer here.

I was just surfing the web a night or two ago because I just couldn't shut my eyes, I came across this horoscope description of what Taureans are like and I couldn't have agreed with it more! Here's what the piece had to say about me.

Taurus Woman (21st April to 21st May)

When you come across a Taurus female, the first thing you will notice about her is her undefeatable emotional strength. She is capable of handling the severest of problems, without shedding even a single tear. She has the infamous Taurus temper, but it is seldom displayed. At least not until the provocation is too much to digest. She is as feminine as any other female, without the unnecessary tantrums. A Taurus woman has no desire of dominating her husband. She will let him handle the reins; in fact this is what she secretly desires.

A Taurus woman wants a real man, who can make her proud of himself as much as she is proud of herself. However, if he fails in his role, she will take the control in her own hands. Neither will she act like a mewing kitten, nor like a roaring lioness. She is independent and has a mind of her own, but she does not want to dominate in the relationship. Taurean women do not see social status while making their friends. They want to be friends with people who do not hide their true nature and come across as they really are.

Their friends may be a little weird, but they will not be phonies or hypocrites. A Taurus girl doesn't fight with people she dislikes; she simply ignores them and becomes indifferent to their presence. However, she will be loyal to her true friends and they will remain with her throughout her life. In return, she will expect them to stand by her when she needs them. A Taurean woman also gets jealous, but only if you exceed the limits of casual flirtation. Everything has a limit and this also does. It's better not to provoke her anger or you will be very sorry.

She is brainy, but not too much interested in intellectual subjects. She is practical in her thinking and does not feel the need to indulge in mental gymnastics. She is balanced in her approach and you will hardly see her in a restless disposition. A Taurean girl hates anything artificial, be the flowers in her vase or the friends in her life. She has to feel the fragrance of real roses and the presence of real people. The beauty of Mother Nature especially pleases her.

Ugliness of any kind makes her miserable and repulsive. She loves to be amidst colourful surroundings, like gardens blooming with flowers. A Taurean female has a good taste, so please be very careful before taking her out... She is a very good cook herself and you will always be treated to excellent homemade food. She is also very much interested in the art forms, like painting. She is a tomboy at heart and will enjoy many guy-things like horse riding, going on a roller coaster ride, fishing, etc.

All this makes her feel close to nature. She dresses simply, yet elegantly and her fabrics are always feather-soft. Taurus female is very strong and above the usual female insecurities. However, she demands loyalty and will never compromise in this area. She is beyond hypocrisy and has an undemanding and easy-going manner. She wants her man to take her side, especially in public. If he contradicts her in front of other people, expect the temperature to reach beyond the boiling point.

When pushed too far, she loses her cool demeanour quickly. Taurus women make excellent mothers, except for the fact that they cannot tolerate disobedience or defiance in kids. Laziness and carelessness also makes them angry. Otherwise, they will be more of a friend to their children than the typical mommies. A Taurus woman will also teach the kids how to be strong and will protect them from the big bad outside world. She never shirks from or whines about her responsibilities. Her man will be expected to do the same.

She can also bear endless pain and stress, without complaining for a single minute. She is good with finances and knows how to maintain quality in a reasonable budget. She is a very good host and will be there to help her man in any and every way she can. A Taurean woman will care for you when you are ill, will back you in your new business venture and let you take over the control of the home. And, you will always be treated to a warm, cosy home when you come back from the office!

What A Weekend!!

Wet 'N Wild Songkran Party 2012

What A Weekend! Yess, I had to start the entry with that again! It all started with a barrage of emails, discussing what to do for the weekend! Popped up a list of events happening with the two biggest highlights of the weekend being the Wet 'n Wild Songkran Party at The 8 Restaurant and Pohela Boishakh (Translate: Bengali New Year)! Once we etched out the plans, off we were to find our "Weapons of Mass Wetstruction". After much rummaging around Gulshan 1 market during Jummah time when most of the stores are closed, sadly enough, we only found ones that looked like with one squirt. it would break let alone last 6 hours. Damnit!!! Where were the damn NERF guns?

 After much unsuccessful bargaining, we were on our way to the 8. Thanks to the brilliant idea of not filling our stomachs with breakfast, regardless of the fact that some of us actually see the sunrise, we devoured a Thai lunch provided by the restaurant. Game plans were set..aka need to drench the organizers and scope our prime suspects. Victims of our water guns slowly trickled in and filled their stomachs with the same prix fixe lunch and soon enough began all the "innocent shenanigans". My so-called innocent friends called me to fix something and instead drenched me with their guns. Fine. The games began. All of us 30 something year olds were now anywhere between the ages of 7 and 11. Running around with our guns and water balloons was an ultimate high but only moments later, the event was tipped off by me being drenched by EFFING ICE-COLD WATER! It was now just PURE WAR!!! Music was blasting awesome top 40s with everyone going wild on the dance floor. Mercy! Mercy! Mercy! HELL NO MERCY!!! were all being screamed out! This all continued till much later in the evening but I only lasted till 6 in the evening but it surely was a blast! The night finally ended with some really hot Chinese food at the shadiest Chinese Restaurant of Banani where everything was and is still is quite questionable!!

Pohela Boishak 1419 with the family

The following morning, to what seemed like was filled with ungodly hours to wake up in, surely pushed us out of bed to hit all the hot spots and celebrate the Bengali New Year! Having never experienced it in this country, I was amazed to find that this festival is way more festive than let's say Eid or National Day! Tables were overflowing with bhortas, elish maach and various other tasty delights! Everyone was decked out in the brightest colors! People were shopping like crazy at all the stores! And most of all uncontrollable traffic on a holiday! But nonetheless what a day it was! Enjoy the snapshots!!

Happy Holidays!

Happy Easter, Passover and soon to be Bengali New Year to all my readers!

Enjoy the holidays with your loved ones and me!

lots of love