Wednesday, April 01, 2026

Umrah 2026




Finding the right words to capture every emotion from our Umrah journey feels almost impossible—because it wasn’t just a journey, it was a transformation. Every moment carried a lesson, every step held meaning, and every tear felt seen. 

After completing our first Umrah right after landing, exhaustion wrapped around us completely. Our bodies were tired, but our hearts were still wide awake. We returned to the hotel for a few hours of rest, knowing we would soon be called back—to the Haram, to something greater than ourselves. And just like that, we found ourselves returning for Tahajjud, Fajr, and Ishraq prayers… as if sleep no longer mattered when your soul is being fed.



Subsequently from finishing our prayers, as we slowly walked towards the Kaaba, my mum and I exchanged a look—no words needed. Without hesitation, we chose to begin our second tawaf instead of going to shop. This time, we stayed along the outer edges, wanting others to experience the closeness we had been blessed with the night before. There was a quiet contentment in that decision… a feeling of gratitude.

Lost in du’a, in reflection, in a conversation only Allah could hear—I didn’t even realize how close I had drifted. Suddenly, I was there… so close to the Kaaba. Closer than I ever expected. And then, even more incredibly, I found myself near the Hajar al-Aswad.


In that moment, everything stilled. The noise faded. Time paused. It felt as though Allah had gently brought me there Himself, without me even noticing the path. A strength I didn’t know I had surged within me—I wanted to move forward, to reach out, to touch the stone… all while holding tightly onto my mother. But the emotions around me were just as intense. Everyone was yearning, pushing, hoping for that same moment. I was only inches away… inches. And yet, in that fragile space between desire and reality, I made a choice. I let go of my chance. Because my mother’s safety meant more than anything else. As I struggled to hold onto her and find our way back, it became clear—if I took even one step further, I might lose her in the overwhelming crowd. And that was something I couldn’t risk. Not here. Not ever. And so, I stepped back. I reminded myself of everything Allah had already blessed me with—that just the night before, I had been able to pray so close, to kiss the Kaaba, to touch Maqam-e-Ibrahim multiple times. My heart softened with acceptance. Maybe this wasn’t meant for me right now. And if Allah wills… He will call me back to it again. Ameen.


After completing our tawaf, we stood to pray two rakats in gratitude. Gratitude for being there. Gratitude for being chosen. But I had no idea what was about to unfold next. I found a quiet spot in front of the Kaaba door and lowered myself into sujood. In that moment, I poured everything out—my prayers, my hopes, my fears—not just for myself, but for everyone I carry in my heart. While in sujood, I felt my bag shift slightly, the strap loosening. I instinctively pulled it closer, not thinking much of it. It felt like a small, insignificant moment. Until it wasn’t. When I finished my prayer and looked down… my heart dropped. My bag was open. My wallet was gone. Everything else was still there—my prayer books, my phone, even something as random as scissors—but the one thing that mattered most had vanished. I froze. My wallet… gone. Stolen. Right there. In front of the Kaaba. The disbelief hit me first. Then confusion. Then a deep, sinking heartbreak I couldn’t quite explain.


My mum tried to comfort me, gently suggesting that maybe I had left it in the hotel room. But deep down, I knew. I’m always careful with my belongings—especially something this important. Still, I stayed quiet, holding onto a small thread of hope as we returned to the room. But the moment we checked… that hope shattered. It wasn’t there. And suddenly, it all became real. It wasn’t even about the money. Not at all. It was everything inside it—my IDs, my US Passport Card, my BD NID. Things that couldn’t simply be replaced in a moment. Trying to hold myself together, I quickly blocked my cards and started searching for what needed to be done next. My mind was racing, but my heart felt heavy… almost numb. I knew I had to go to the police station to file a report before I could even begin the process of replacing my IDs. And that realization hurt in a different way—because it felt like time was being taken away from what I came here for. Time that should have been spent in front of the Kaaba. Time in du’a. Time in peace.


Frustration crept in. I felt annoyed at myself, overwhelmed, and quietly worried that this situation might overshadow the rest of my journey. But my mum… calm and hopeful… gently suggested we speak to the hotel management first. And in that moment, while everything inside me felt shaken, her calmness reminded me of something I was close to forgetting—Allah is still in control of every single moment. Hotel management guided us to contact the police at the Haram and sent us on our way with the kind words of hope. "Allah is forever kind. Inshallah, you will find your wallet.” 


As we were directed from one corner of the haram to another, fumbling through broken phrases on Google Translate, a quiet anxiety lingered in my chest. Eventually, we found ourselves standing at the lost and found office. Behind the desk sat an officer, surrounded by mountains of misplaced belongings—each item carrying someone’s story, someone’s moment of panic.


He looked up and gently asked how he could help. My mother stepped forward, her voice steady but laced with worry. She explained that her daughter—me—had lost her wallet during prayers in front of the Kaaba. Before the weight of her words could even settle in the air, he reached beside him, picked something up, and simply asked, “Is this yours?”

Time froze.

There it was. My wallet.


Both of us stood there in complete shock, almost afraid to believe what we were seeing. No interrogation. No suspicion. No endless questions about its color, brand, or when it was lost. Nothing. Just quiet certainty. He checked my ID, asked if I was a doctor, and whether there had been cash inside. I told him the exact amount of riyals—and about the brand new 500 BDT note I had received as Eidi. The riyals were gone, taken by whoever found it first… but that one note remained, untouched. Almost as if it was meant to stay. And yet, none of that mattered in that moment. Because I had my wallet back. My identity. My sense of relief. It felt bigger than coincidence. It felt like a lesson.


Maybe I should have left my wallet in the hotel room. Maybe I was careless. But maybe… just maybe… someone out there needed that money more than I did, and Allah chose me as a means to give it to them. Sadaqa. That’s all I could think of.


Even so, the fear lingered. The rest of the trip carried a quiet tension—I moved cautiously, almost protectively, holding tightly onto my phone, my room key, and most of all, onto my mother. I wasn’t going to let anything happen again.


Shopping? It lost all meaning.


Despite having a long list of things I wanted to buy, my heart wasn’t in it anymore. Instead, we immersed ourselves in our ibadat. That night, we performed a second umrah. I poured my heart into every dua—praying for loved ones, for those who had asked for prayers, for the sick, the struggling… for everyone.


Even on our final day in Makkah, when we finally had time to shop, something else was written for us. My mother and I decided to pray a few Nafl prayers, catch one last glimpse of the Kaaba, and then—finally—buy some gifts before heading to Medina. But the moment we stepped into the Haram, something shifted. Soft droplets of rain began to fall, gently kissing our faces. It felt like mercy descending from the sky.


They say that when it rains, duas are more likely to be accepted… that the doors of heaven open wider. In that moment, nothing else mattered. “Screw shopping,” we both silently agreed. And just like that, we found ourselves walking toward yet another tawaf—this time, in the rain. What an indescribable experience.


Yes, we got drenched. Yes, we fell sick afterward. But it was worth every second. Every step around the Kaaba felt heavier with emotion, lighter with surrender. We prayed again—for everyone, for ourselves, for those we’ve lost… and above all, for our beloved Rasulullah (pbuh). During our shukr-ana prayers, gratitude overflowed. There were no words that could truly capture what our hearts felt. In that moment, life felt… complete.


Content.


But the journey wasn’t over yet. It was time to move toward Medina.


I had already prepared my heart for one possible disappointment— not being able to pray in the Rawdah. I had heard how difficult it had become for women to gain access, how it required specific arrangements, and how not everyone gets the chance. But I made peace with it. I had prayed there once before during my Hajj in 2019. If I didn’t get the chance this time, I told myself I would accept it. Surely, Allah would invite me again someday. Ameen.


And yet… miracles don’t stop where we expect them to.


As soon as we reached our hotel, our tour operator informed us—our Rawdah visit had been approved. Not just approved, but scheduled within the hour. I could hardly process it. We rushed—freshened up, hearts racing—and made our way to Masjid an Nabawi. After offering Maghrib prayers, we stood in line once again… waiting to enter a place so sacred, so beloved. The Rawdah.


I don’t know how to explain it, but everything I had quietly hoped for from this journey… Allah gave me more. Far more than I deserved, far more than I imagined. I returned feeling different. Rejuvenated. Refueled. Overflowing with faith and hope.


Many people come back focusing on what they didn’t get to do. But for us, it felt like we experienced everything we needed—and more. Honestly, despite all the negativity often associated with Saudis, my experience told a different story—one of kindness, ease, and quiet miracles. There was a time just before Maghrib prayers when I was feeling exceptionally thirsty. I was sitting by myself as Mum had to go back to the hotel for something. Without wanting to lose my favorite spot under the dome, I scanned to see if there were any ZamZam water dispensers nearby. Out of nowhere, a lady walked by, giving me a bag which contained a bottle of chilled water, a piece of bread and some dates. She was then handing it out to everyone. Was it my luck or just sheer coincidence, I really don't know. 


All, I can say is that I can’t wait to return because the miracles of Allah (swt) are constant, subtle, overwhelming… and I am forever grateful to have witnessed them, felt them, and lived them and will continue to do so. Ameen


I know we all have a right to believe whatever we want but if you consider yourself as a Muslim, I would highly suggest you go through this experience as nothing is more rewarding than this. 



Wednesday, November 09, 2022

Gratitude

Waking up in my apt in Manhattan this morning has been no less than a full on surreal experience, only because I didn’t know if it was going to happen any time soon. For those who don’t know, during my trip to London, I ended up in the icu as I went into sepsis shock from an ecoli bacterial infection and was intubated as I was having breathing problems with multiple organs failing. Rumors were floating that I had passed and to some degree and or briefly I may have, but like my friends, family and doctors said I fought like a warrior along with all of your constant prayers, concern and love and pulled through. Above all Allah (swt) heard all of your prayers and brought me back with a brand new lease on life. 


From the core of my heart and soul, I would like to thank and hug each and everyone of you who prayed, held prayers, gave continuous sadqah for me and those who religiously came everyday to the hospital to give Ammu moral support. I was truly touched when I heard that many of  you wanted to fly into London to be my side and my mom’s. Jui, you are nothing less than an angel in my life for dropping everything and flying in to be by Ammu’s side. Thank you for Always being my rock!!


Seeing friends/ family members/ staff shedding tears as a reaction to seeing me alive was just as emotional. We tend to forget our self worth but now I know how truly loved I am by all of you. I had heard from people I hadn’t heard from in years, all with full concern and love. My inboxes are flooded with many of your messages-Please bear with me as I still navigate through them all, just know I love you too. 


Few takeaways from this nightmare:

1. As much as I cursed many of the nurses during my delirium phase-and that too with the worst of bangla gaalis - the medical and nursing care I received was above and beyond, especially by Ruiz who’s now enjoying his annual leave in Portugal. Not being an easy patient, he really took care of me like I was his daughter constantly trying to figure out ways to feed me even though I dodged food like the plague but was finally was able to keep yoghurt in my system.

2. Constantly remember to tell your friends and family how much you love them because you never know if you will ever be able to again

3. Listen to your body when it tells you that you need to stop and relax

4. Finally and most important of all Brits can’t cook - PERIOD! 


They say it takes a village to raise a child, I’m requesting my village to forever be my side as I’ll need you more now as I slowly recuperate and regain my confidence to tackle the world again. The doctors did say initial recovery would be 2-3months and 6-8 months for full recovery.


But most importantly: MOM I LOVE YOU THE MOST!!! Sorry to put you through this nightmare!

Monday, October 21, 2019

I seek the day I am no more
To be nothing
Not even a figment of your imagination,
As you cradle in the arms that belong to no one of mine.
For I was sent as your savior,
Instead I seek refuge in the arms of Thee. 
I weep on His shoulder 
Beseeching the love you desired before my existence,
Unsuccessfully have I performed such task to bring the happiness you crave.
So for you, I bow down and walk away as the loveless orphan,
Filled with gratitude of the time spent in momentary harmony.
-Dazzlingsitar 

Thursday, May 02, 2019

Freedom

 Freedom


As you strengthen your back 

while you soften your front,

Let the heart run wild.

Only then will you find your freedom.

Freedom that will instill the courage

to face your hurdles,

And welcome the new 

in bounds of optimism.

Restless wandering may overtake you throughout this journey,

Making you feel you are nowhere.

However, in true freedom,

You will realize that you belong everywhere.  

  • Dazzlingsitar

Friday, March 31, 2017

Writing has always brought me comfort. It has been a medium for me to send out my thoughts into the cosmic void in hopes that, one day, clarity will come back to me. So many things have happened since we last spoke. In the last few days, I published two of the many poems I wrote during the last 4.5+ years... (deep pause...) Wow! Has this hiatus really been that long? These two poems have been the closest to my heart. One person told me that even though these poems personifies hope, they both are laced with a thin line of sadness. I never thought of it that way at first but then when I truly contemplated the idea, I agreed with my critic.

Was I truly sad deep down inside even though I put on a smile every day for everyone to see? I guess I was. In the last 4+years, I have gained and lost a person whom I thought was my true love, but more importantly, I lost my father who was and will always be my heart and soul. We can always overcome losing a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/friend. But losing a parent is a new ballgame all together. The feeling of losing a parent replicates to when you take shelter under pouring rain, and at that very moment , the roof that is protecting you is being yanked off with nowhere to seek shelter. You experience true colors and faces of people you once upon thought were your well-wishers; but in reality were far from it. 

Not a day goes by that I don't think of my father and imagine what would he have done if he were in my shoes when i'm at a loss. Maybe that's why I still see him in my dreams giving me guidance. I sure hope it never changes; even if I can't hug him in the physical world, at least I can in the "paranormal" world?

Is that normal?

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

The Sun

Be selfless like the sun,
For it rises every day to give.
To give us the light and the path to shine,
To find our true self,
Our passions, love, happiness
and the ultimate power of divine.
Every day, without any fail,
Its rays burn off our sorrows and doubts
Feeding us hope, energy and perseverance,
To face each day with full of ebullience.

Monday, March 27, 2017

Sirf Mere Paas

One low key afternoon, as I was watching the Rabrindranath Tagore series on Netflix, the sudden urge to write blasted through my pen. Inspiration was finally flowing and this is what came out of it...


Sirf Mere Paas



Main nahi jaanti
Ke aap ho kahaan,
Meri aankhen,
Aap hi ko dhoondhti rehti hai
Sara jahaan
Par aap to kahi nahi hain,
Bas sirf mere paas

Aap ki surilli awaaz,
Goonjhti rehti hai meri kaano mein,
Gunguna rehti hai,
Par aap to kahi nahi hain,
Bas sirf mere paas

Mein saansein leti hoon,
Toh aapke khushboo,
Ek nasha ki tarha madhosh kar dehti hai
Par aap to kahi nahi hain,
Bas sirf mere paas

Baarish ki har boondh
Choo kar gili kar deti hai,
Woh humein mehsus karah thi hai,
Ke woh bhi aap hi ki tarha
Meri har thakleefo ko mita thi hai
Par aap to kahi nahi hain,
Bas sirf mere paas

Zindagi ne akheli chalna sikhayi hai,
Par aap ki hoothon ne,
Meri ruh ko ussey bhi mithaas banayi hai
Par aap to kahi nahi hain,
Bas sirf mere paas

Jaane Anjaane mein,
Ye sab aap kar behthe,
Shayad, main abhi bhi nahi jaanti
ke aap ho kahaan
Bas sirf ussi pal ki intezaar hai
ke kab
Aap aur kahin nahin honge,
Bas sirf mere paas….

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Sunday 28th October 2012



As I sign into Facebook today, I realize that there is not a single status or news update out there that can fill the void that has embraced my and my family’s lives. As we all sit under this dark cloud, searching for that silver lining, I’m reminded of the saying ‘Ignorance is bliss’. Yes, I wish we had not known that my dear uncle would have to fight for his final days or months with final stage of pancreatic cancer that was diagnosed in early June of this year. I wish that my 82-year-old grandmother would not have to face the death of yet another child, for it being the third. I wish that my cousins, who are constantly by their father’s side, knowingly that it could be any moment that he would no longer be there, didn’t have to face the reality of this disease; the daily pains, the hospital runs, the no room for error moments and most importantly the constant stress of the unknown of what will happen next.

My mind and heart keeps on travelling back to the time when life was simple and beautiful. The times when my parents and I would visit from Abu Dhabi.  My aunts, uncles, and cousins leaving their own households and moving back into my Nana and Nanu's 13-bedroom Maghbazar home during our stay and yet all squeezing in that one bedroom in the back. Going to Old Town for that 3am murgh pulao run in our pjs, and as we waited,  we would all have a boiled egg and hot glass milk; the milk that we refused to drink at home. Waking up our baburchis (live-in chefs) at the same time for the special “dim omelettes and pau ruti’r toast”. And just when the food would arrive in that one room where all 30 of us would be, Nana quietly trickling in to see what we were all up to and joining in. The numerous games of carom, cricket in the backyard and the circular driveway, rollerblading in the verandas, and running to the rooftop when there would be a massive downpour of rain dancing away!

Where did all those moments go, when all of us kids were surrounded by my aunts and uncles screaming at the top of their lungs while playing the infamous rickshawalla card game called 29 because someone or the other was cheating? Or even as recent as when Nannu mama visited my parents in New York, and I had surprised them by coming home late at night from college in Boston with their favorite kabab paratha roll? Have we changed or have the people around us changed, which indirectly has morphed us into people we don’t recognize anymore? Honestly, where are we and what have we become?

As I blankly stare into the walls or everything for that matter, these are the things that I just can’t stop wondering about. Is this part of the growing process we are destined and more importantly eager for? When we were kids, we couldn’t wait to become older. And now, I honestly wish I was a kid again… At least, then we wouldn’t be sitting in this predicament that we at now. 

Umrah 2026

Finding the right words to capture every emotion from our Umrah journey feels almost impossible—because it wasn’t just a journey, it was a t...