Thursday, June 28, 2007

HOW TO MACK ONLINE BY IMAM JAYSH

Out of sheer guilt for not blogging for a very long time, here is a classic...

HOW TO MACK ONLINE BY IMAM JAYSH...

Good Muslims do not date. Instead, they mack online.

Because there are few authentic hadith on the Adab of online macking, it is incumbent on us to use Ijtihad on this very grave matter.

1. The Initial Cyber "Meeting."

No doubt this can be either on Naseeb or some Islamic online forum. As the saying goes, "first a smile, then a private message, then the comfort of AIM." After a flurry of Private Messages, it is time to complain: "It's too annoying to private message--do you have AIM or MSN?"

2. Enter AIM or MSN...

AIM and MSN are a Godsend for chickens like you and me who can't mack in real life. In real life, we may be scrawny desi boys with thick glasses and a plethora of back and toe hair. Online, however, we are a gift to all women worldwide, or at least those with 56 k modem and higher.

3. AIM or MSN?

American girls are on AIM, whereas fobs dominate the MSN scene. Hence, I would focus the bulk of my mack attacks on AIM girls exclusively. Do not waste mack on fobs. They have horrid grammar. They will ask to "have a beautiful friendship" with you and beg you to "please reply me." They may also use annoyingly cryptic transliteration like "thum janvar ho" that you may not be able to decipher.

Correction: Canadians and Brits may also use MSN, so I'd diversify my mack attack by downloading both MSN and AIM. I personally can't stand the British accent, but hey--I'll leave this up to you.

4. The Interrogation.

You must now ask the girl how many siblings she has, where she lives, her social security number, etc. It is wajib in most madhabs to compliment the girl on how pretty her name is, even if its something as hideous as Bajpinder. Additional points will be awarded to you based on your wittiness and charm, namely how well you flirt. You can tease the girl a little bit so long as you include the ever-so-charming wink smile at the end of whatever you say. "Oh, you're so silly..."

During this time, you try to use all the available information to estimate her approximate level of hotness. Statistics prove that girls with pink or purple font are more likely to be hot, whereas those girls who are funny tend to be fat and ugly. Intelligent girls are also ugly, so focus on the airheads majoring in something liberal art-ish. Stay away from feminazis (always ugly), and also from eleventeen-year olds.

5. The All Important Picture.

This is the real reason you are going through all this hassle. You want to see the picture. Once you get the picture, you can make a decision whether or not to proceed forward.

It's rather annoying how you have to wait for like five days or so before you can ask her for the picture. She won't send it to you in the beginning because you have to become her confidante (after a whole five days). It's annoying since you have to pre-invest so much mack before attaining the picture.

Golden Rule: If she sends her picture, it's a given that you must reciprocate with your own picture. I advise to give the picture after she sends hers. See point 6 below.

6. If her face sucks...

Now you are in quite a predicament, especially if you have invested a lengthy period of mack. (On a side-note, girls like to send pictures of themselves with the brightness on full to make their skin look clear and perfect--dont be fooled!) Her face sucking makes your macking mission pointless and it's time to withdraw the troops. This is what we call a waste of mack. Not only this, but by now--the girl is of course madly in love with you, but you are ready to abort the mission. What to do?

Panic not. Continue the conversation as if nothing happened. You MUST talk to her for a few more times before completely ignoring her. You only care for a girl based on her looks? You superficial jerk.

(If you haven't sent your picture yet, send a picture of your hideous friend Govindar Singh in lieu of yourself. That should do the trick.)

7. If the Picture makes you want to do wudu again and sing Bollywood songs in the shower ...

Now it's time to take off the gloves and let the hardcore flirting commence.

A-T-T-A-C-K!

Below, we shall show you a sample conversation:

MuslimMacker: So what ethnicity are you?

AngelBabyHijabiPrincess786: I'm Afghani.

MuslimMacker: I've heard Afghanistan is beautiful...I guess everything from Afghanistan is beautiful

AngelBabyHijabiPrincess786: *insert blushing face here*

MuslimMacker: So are you wearing your hijab right now as we speak?

and so on and so forth...

Rumi poetry is also a sure-fire winner with most girls...have some in your profile, and also have fun by having flirtatious away messages. Ask her if she really isn't a hoor (NOT a whore) and comment on how her eyes are the gates to Paradise.

8. Don't be too aggressive though...

You don't want to blow your cover right away. You want to flirt just enough so that she suspects but isn't sure. The ideal situation is one in which she can't sleep at night because she keeps thinking: "does he like me?" Keep her in mystery for awhile.

Question: Assalamo Alaykum Imam Sahab Jaysh. I have the question to you. Should I delay the responses when I chat her to seem like I have a life?

Answer: Thank you for your query. This still a heavily disputed issue amongst the Fuqaha of Islam. One Madhab believes that you should delay responses by 20-60 seconds in order to seem like you have a life. But another Madhab claims that responses should be rapid-fire style in order to show that both parties click together very well.

Should you IM her first or should you wait till she does? This too is a question that the scholars have pondered for ages. And what about being online the entire day? That won't look good, and only confirm her suspicions that you have no life; for this, you can either give birth to multiple screen-names or you can go into invisible mode with the new AIM.

9. Does she like you?

The speed of her responses is a good indication of her interest level. Additionally, she likes you if she says things like "you're so funny!" and if she uses ten thousand smiley faces after every sentence...indeed, how much she likes you is directly proportional to the number of smiley faces and extraneous exclamation marks. There is a monumental difference between a simple "salams" and a "Hey Salams!!! ". If she IMs you first, then you pretty much are going to father her children.

And the all time favorite of mine is the classic "wow, you kept me up the whole night--it's almost fajr time!" Once she says that, you know she's all yours. Or she might even say "I am going to fail my test tomorrow--I'm going to blame you now!" (score!!! she can't even study without thinking about you and your handsome IMs.)

10. How do you know if she doesn't like you?

If there is a drastic change in the velocity of her responses, if she blocks you, or if she declares your face to suck--then it's a pretty good indication that she doesn't like you. You pretty much suck if you can't even get girls online. In the words of one Islamican, "it's the internet--at least pretend you're cool."

11. Multiple-Macking...a cyber-crime in all 48 contiguous states of this here America

Whereas you may use the euphemism of "diversifying" your macking portfolio, girls will accuse you of multiple-macking. Multiple-macking is when you are flooded with IMs from young women dying for your hand in cyber-marriage.

My advice: You won't be able to hold down ten conversations at a time. Don't spread your mack out too thin, and try to focus on the most important few mackees. Always prioritize mackees based on not only hotness, but also those who live closer to your residence:
( h / a) where a denotes availability...

Edit: It's actually h*a ...we regret this error.

Divide up your buddy list into sections, such as: Gold Club Mackees, Silver Club Mackees, and Runner-ups. Never discuss mackees with fellow mackers unless you have first signed some sort of Pact demarcating territory. You can also trade mackees with another macker.

Also, be careful to cover your tracks and make sure that none of your mackees are in contact with each other. They might realize then that you are multiple-macking. Not good for business. A lot of hijabsters and niqabsters tend to flock together so be extra cautious. It is preferable to have mackees who all live in different states, so even if she asks if she's the only girl you talk to her, you can say: "yes, in the state..."

12. "Giving Dawah..."

1-Macking is a form of giving dawah.

2-Dawah is Fardh.

3-Therefore and thence, macking is Fardh.

We should give dawah exclusively to hot chicks. (That's good since only people of the opposite sex show interest in Islam anyways.)

We shall try our utmost to convert hot chicks! What a noble task! We shall wage Jihad on Bollywood and take the chicks as our right-hand captives...

13. Converting a Kafir Girl via AIM.

I'm too tired to finish this stupid webpage, so I'm going to skip this part. But it's in my head and it's damn funny. So laugh. In conclusion, all the kafir girl has got to do is to repeat the shahadah after the Imam:

Imam: La Illaha illallah

Kafir Girl: La ilah la la la la ......

Heck, you could say anything and she would repeat it. But, she is officially nikahfiable now so let the show begin! Of course, the local aunties will gossip at your wedding about how you had to marry her because she is pregnant and how she secretly still worships Shiva and Goro (mk3). But what do you care? You're madly in love.

14. Why online macking won't work out in the end...


In the end, it's not going to work out. Why? Because she lives in Alaska and you'll never even seen her. It won't work. Lesson: Don't waste time macking online. Go to ISNA instead. (I.S.N.A. = Innumerable Sluts Now Available)